Reviews of Consoles I Haven’t Owned: The SEGA Master System

Well last week didn’t work out very well. After reviewing the masterpiece that was House of the Dead it seems I’m still not taken seriously as a critic (yes that’s my goal now, suck it). I don’t see why as I’ve always been fair and balanced and not a horrible person. So I have decided to maybe start reviewing electronics. After all since electronics don’t have story’s I can focus on the technical aspects of things!

And what better way to start then with an old Sega console. That’s right, tonight I am going to use my journalism to review an old Sega electronic thing. As you know my opinions will be good and I am always good at that anyway so why is that even a question at this point? So here I go, reviewing an old console I haven’t owned. What could possibly go wrong? Nothing you dick, shut up.

First of all I will say that in the current state of hardware, you have to have some good technology to succeed in the market of well good computers and stuff. This is why I am surprised that Sega would release an obvious piece of outdated hardware to compete with Bill Gate’s ‘7 Windows’ and Steve Job’s ‘Apple’s Mac’. Despite what Sega wants me to think this does not look like a ‘Master System’. You can’t even go on the internet with it probably. How is something good if I can’t watch people making annoying youtube videos where they take scenes from TV shows and compile them to annoying songs and ask for fucking subscriptions even though the video I just watched was a fucking waste of my fucking time? It isn’t and that’s the end of it.

Everyone knows youtube is really for HILARIOUS videos of cats.

In fact I don’t even think there are any cables to connect it to my HD monitor. Come on Sega, having a console that can’t support HD outputs is unacceptable. There are a lot of weird ports on this thing, for example there is a big slot in the top which I presume is for putting your penis in, turning the power on, and then letting it vibrate it. Wait, let me check.

…no. It’s not for that. Moving on, the Master System hasn’t even got an operating system disc. Since I actually found one in my attic earlier (that’s code for ‘stole it off a child’) I tried plugging it in, and after I wiped off the remnants of my burnt cock I pressed play to see how it started up. However nothing happened. I thought this might just be a broken one but then I looked it up and apparently this happens to every Master System that doesn’t have the right thing in the socket at the top. What a piece of shit. Hardware should work, weather or not there is something in the disc tray.

How was I supposed to know that wasn't meant for my penis to go into?!

Also the thing itself is hard to find. For a system that Sega are obviously trying to push as the new big thing I haven’t seen any advertisements for it at all. In fact the only add I can see on line is from 1987. That explains a lot because if the system really has been in development that long then it explains why it looks outdated and not sleek like normal systems do. It also explains why it doesn’t work, because the code or whatever was probably just sitting around since the olden times and they just released it now for some quick cash. Can’t say I blame Sega. Actually I can, the cunts!

You know who else called themselves the 'master systems?' THE NAZIS.

Overall it’s utterly disgusting that Sega can release a computer (or ‘console’) that just doesn’t work. And I know I didn’t really try to make it work but that’s besides the point. Sega should have stuck to making games consoles and not developed this piece of shit. Meaning that the Master System definitely killed the Dreamcast.

The Dreamcast was a piece of shit anyways. Just look at it!

For being a piece of shit hardware, and a terrible personal computer made to compete with more modern machines, the Sega Master System get’s an F.

There. Now I should be respected as a proper reviewer who knows what he’s talking about! Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go see a doctor about an electrical wound.