Reviews of Games I Haven’t Played: Vectorman 3

Sup, guys? You know for weeks upon weeks I’ve not been playing original game after not playing original game. That’s why I need to look into not playing a new type of game. A game more derivative and generic then the others. Of course it will be a Sega game so it will still probably be bad but I decided to do something different (I.E. Generic) to counterbalance all the stupid colourful stuff I’ve been reviewing.

That’s why I’m super excited to review today’s game. Today’s game was a game in production for a while but, I’m glad to see it made it out because it probably would have been worth it. And despite being based on stupid retro games it was probably the best game of it’s time. I am of course talking about the 3D shooter, Vectorman 3.

Vectorman 3 is a game where it looks like you play as a space marine saving the worlds from aliens. I like this because it reminds me of the only other type of games that I play. This means I’ll probably be good at it, but if i’m not then the game had terrible level design. The main character also looks like masterchief which is always good because characters that aren’t him make me throw up and then swallow it again because I don’t want to ruin my mums new carpet.

The game just sounds good. Of course I have heard nothing about it and only stumbled upon it last night but that counts as investigative journalism so whatever. But it looks good because the screenshots give me a boner (although that could be from all the porn I was masturbating too while I was doing journalism). Whatever, the game still looks action packed even though the screenshots didn’t move like some of them do (I think the moving one’s are called trailers).

This looks clunky and ugly.. AWESOME!

However I was disappointed to find out that this amazing game was based on a series of shitty Sega Mega-Genesis games called Vectorman as well. This is an awful thing because retro games are shit. They are almost always older than I am and make me cry because I can’t get past level 1 because IT’S THE CONTROLLERS FAULT, NOT MINE. So yeah, retro games are shit and should never be reviewed ever, and only things that have been reviewed are worth playing. I’m so glad that (for example) shitty youtube users don’t make retro reviews. So glad.

Cool story, bro.

Back to the normal review, Vectorman 3 looks amazing because it ignores it’s roots and does what every game today is doing. I like that because having a history is dumb. That’s why I  pretend to have different parents. Your past is nothing that even needs attention paying to. If you ever learn anything from me, learn that. Well that and that games that I don’t like are always awful and shitty and fucking stupid. Basically what I just said means Vectorman 3 is good.

If I have to say anything bad about the game it would be that it has a number at the end of it, but it’s other games were 2D. This means the game should have either been called ‘Vectorman 3D’ or ‘Vectorman: Rise of the revenge of the robots what will kill you dead’. On a side note, if you’re reading this Sega I will sue your arse if you use either of the two Vectorman game titles that I have just copyrighted. Don’t think I won’t do it. I’d do anything for money, so I could finally be happy with myself and not feel sick when I look in the mirror.

Here's a vaguely related image to the paragraph you've just read!

What else is there left to say? The game just looks fucking awesome, even though I have no idea how it plays or controls. In fact I don’t even know what system it’s on. Or what it’s box art looks like. Wait.. I don’t think this game was actually released. Well. Fuck. I guess that makes this review null and void.

...and it had so much potential!

I’m just confused. If a game has screenshots that means it must exist? This is bullshit. I bet Sega pulled the plug at the last minute because they knew I would enjoy it. Fuck them. They probably made another shitty Phantasy Star game instead just to piss me off personally. And yes, I do think that much of myself, thank you.

In conclusion for not releasing this amazing game Sega itself gets a fucking F for ‘fucking FUCK’. This is the final straw. Sega, you have scorned me for the last time. Consider this ‘internet war’.

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