Reviews of Games I Haven’t Played: Every game I’ve ever reviewed

Finally the time has come. I’m tired of doing this and have decided to stop before the joke gets stale. And yes it still isn’t stale yet, even though it’s the same fucking format week after week. Just fuck off. I am done with not being taken seriously as an artist and professional journalistic games man and have decided to stop doing reviews of games I haven’t played. You may think this was a flawed concept to begin with but you can leave it to me to get rid of any potential it might have had, in the first few ones to make sure you won’t like it!

So this is it. No more tricks or jokes about it. I’m not doing this any more. I have so much masturbating and violence to catch up on anyways. So there you go the end. No more. Deal with it.

…but first I’m gonna re-review every game I’ve ever not played just to make sure I was right (I was) so hit the jump for that bullshit.

The first game I still haven’t played was of course Condemned. I hated this game so much that I even reviewed it twice. So what do I think now? Well it still sucks because it doesn’t have a sequel. How the fuck am I supposed to like something that hasn’t been established before in my brain? Original content is for pussy’s, I’d bet the sequel would just be the same thing again anyways. However the game does let you shoot up homeless people so it gets an A+

It's funny because they don't have a place to sleep at night!

Hey guys are Wii jokes still funny? Cause if so then I have a bunch of them. Like “LOL! You like to play with your Wii!” (That means penis btw… ‘Wii’ means penis.) What I’m getting at is that the console this is on has a stupid fucking name which makes me insecure. Especially about my sexuality. The has got shooting in it though which is what straight people do in the army. It gets a B then.

I’m tired of talking about Sonic the fucking rodent. So I’m just going to go through all of his games which I haven’t played here. Basically Sonic not only represents Sega but is Sega. As we all know Sega is a bullshit company that makes game for Japan and idiots. The only thing more pathetic than Sega is Sega fansites. Bunch of furry bastards. Sonic is an animal guy, not a human. Animal sex is only hot when it is a woman dressed up as a slutty animal. Because what you find sexy is different from what I find sexy, all Sonic games ever get an F.

Actually, this does justify the whole Sonic franchise.

Anime is anime as fuck. I can’t stand anime. Unless they are the animal what tentacles molest 15 year olds. Those are the good ones. But alas Sakura Wars: So long my fucking long videogame title was not one of those things. You see, anime was made by Japan because they couldn’t get the good actors (the ones what had proper eyes) so they animated it using crayons or some shit. Sakura Wars: So long my whatever the fuck it’s called who cares gets an F because anime. Also I’ll give in Valkyria Chronicles 2 that score too because that is anime too. So much anime.

Needs more rape.

The next game I have to review is Iron Man 2 which I didn’t really review properly. You see the game I was really reviewing there was Spiderman 2 and I would like to apologise for that error. The real Iron Man 2 game is about a man who dresses up as a bat and fights a bad guy called the jokester. Again this was much better than the movie so it gets a C or whatever score won’t make fanboys angry.

This scene must have been cut from the movie.

Have I mentioned in this article for the 8th time how better I am than you? Well if I didn’t then I’ll say it now. I am better than you because you probably didn’t like Alpha Protocal but I did even though I don’t know what an Alpha Protocal is. It’s good cause of art so it gets an A. What a great game. It could only be better if it was in black and white and only in French. However I’m glad they didn’t do that because that would be fucking gay, dude.

This screenshot is probably a metaphor.

It seemed I was all over the place when I first reviewed Aliens Vs. Predator. And as my experience in journalism has told me, you have to be decisive. That is why I am decisively giving this game a 5/10. No wait it deserves a 5.5. No wait a 5.6. OK that’s good NO WAIT IT DESERVES A FUCKING 4/10 THERE WE GO.

OK now time to re-review Phantasy Star Online 2, NO WAIT ALIENS VS. PREDATOR DESERVES A 10/10 THE END.

Phantasy Star Online 2 however does not deserve what I first gave it, whatever I gave it. I bet it wasn’t at all like the original games I didn’t play on my Megaenesis so it is bad probably. However I still don’t like the original Shining Force because it’s not as good as the games I haven’t played on my Xbox 360. Basically both of the games I just mentioned get an F.

This logo justifies giving it an F.

I got Vanquish for Christmas. I haven’t played it yet but the cover is in 3D. A+

The next things I reviewed weren’t games but were other things so they don’t count. I don’t see why people make things that aren’t games anyways. And before you point out what a stupid statement that was, shut up. Even though I don’t read, watch movies, or play games I can still write about whatever I want. But all those things I reviewed that weren’t games probably suck anyway. I really can’t be bothered, it’s my last review I can do what I want. Well anything accept say THIS STATEMENT WAS CENSORED BECAUSE IT WAS TOO CONTROVERSIAL …and that’s what I think about the gays.

There was one last game however. That’s right last week I reviewed a Christmas game called Christmas NiGHTS. Really this should have been a retro review because it was over a year old. retro things are awful That’s why I never speak to my Grandma. Don’t worry, I’ll work myself into the will somehow. I guess Christmas NiGHTS gets a D or whatever I just said.

Again, this picture has nothing to do with the article. I just like using it.

And that was every game I’ve ever reviewed, re-reviewed. Now you can see everything was reviewed really fairly and extra balanced. The only loose end to tie up is Sega. That’s right, Sega never answered to my flame even though I kept going fucking on about it. That’s really the reason why I’ve stopped. While trying to be controversial, everyone has just ignored me. I guess this makes me like Uwe Boll. I guess I can live with that. It’d be good to be on the same level as the worst German ever made.

Yeah, Uwe Boll is way worse.

Well I guess thank you for reading this series. I’m glad you all agreed with me 100% of the time and that none of you flamed me or said I was tarnishing anything with childish tripe. But really the person who I have to thank the most is me. Thank God for me being so good at reviewing.

In conclusion all games I haven’t played get an F.

  • Pat Reddick

    The fact it’s all over makes me so sad.

  • LEAVE THE MEMORIES ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE.

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