Reviews of Games I Haven’t Played: Condemned (Redux!)

Well that’s it folks! I’ve officially run out of ideas! You might as well stop reading this right now because I have nothing new to offer at all. All I’ll be doing is not playing another game and then yelling about it, so there you go. Stop reading. This is the end. That was it. The final fucking review is done. Plus Sega still hasn’t replied to my internet abuse since I started this internet war so there’s no point.

Game over folks. Goodbye.

HAHA! YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D! It’s not at all like me to stop a joke when it’s just getting boring and tired. I’m determined to run myself into the ground if it kills me. And by ‘ground’ a mean ‘a pile of bitches and hoes’. Basically I went back recently and started masturbating to my own fantastic writing. But then I realised a horrible truth. My first ever review was not that good because my opinions weren’t properly formed, and I acted like a bit of an idiot. However fortunately I now always make informed opinions and am never even condensing (that means talking down to you, just in case you little idiots didn’t know). Thus, I have decided to fix it by reviewing it again. Have I played it this time? What are you a fucking moron? Of course not.

Yeah I'm gonna re-use this image from my last Condemned review. So what?

First of all I will start off by saying that Condemned is not even a horror game. I know this because in all the trailers and screenshots I’ve seen, you look powerless against your much stronger enemy’s. This is bullshit because everyone knows horror means killing lots and lots of weak monsters with your rock hard pecks. This is realistic because I have rock hard pecks which I am not going to post a picture of because my pecks are so rock hard that I inadvertently became self concious of them. So anything that doesn’t make me feel like the true bad arse I am is gay because it isn’t realistic, because I’ve never been scared. Ever. Well maybe that time when my uncle came to stay, but I’ve repressed my memory’s since then so it’s all OK.

Artists rendition of me. Not Conan.

Actually I think Sega used false advertising here. As far as I know the game was marketed as a scary game that would make me poo my pants. I did shit myself at the trailer, however that was only because I forgot to do a poo for 2 days and couldn’t be bothered to walk into the toilet across the hall. None the less, the adverts still tried to tell me that it was scary. Of course I believed this because adverts never lie. Why would they lie? Why would my best friends lie to me? They wouldn’t, and that’s why Sega should be sued because this one did lie to me for telling me it was super scary.

But that’s enough about the advertising and Sega lies, what about the game itself? Well apparently there are homeless in it which is funny because homeless people are cool cause they drink alcohol and do drugs which I do too, to be cool and shit. However homeless people are also controversial, in which case Sega needs to watch out. Games shouldn’t push any envelopes ever (unless it contains a check full of money and hoes for me).

To be fair, this does look hilarious. Maybe Condemned is a comedy?

Also I didn’t mention this last time but by looking at the trailers, Condemned is a dark game. I mean that because I couldn’t see anything on the monitor, until my Brother told me I forgot to turn it on and I felt embarrassed which is Sega’s fault. The point I’m definitely making is that dark games are stupid and should have bright and vibrant colours. I MEAN GREY AND SHIT AND BLOOD RED COLOURS FUCK DID I REALLY JUST TYPE THAT? HEY EDITOR PERSON, EDIT THAT LAST PART OUT PLEASE, I’M NOT GAY THANKS, ONLY GAY PEOPLE LIKE BRIGHT COLOURS.

I'M NOT GAY AND DO NOT THINK THIS IS AROUSING, DESPITE MY BONER.

All in all, Condemned is still a shit game. However this time I’m sticking by my guns and giving it the grade it deserves: An 5-, or whatever grades we give out.

By the way, Sega? It’s still not over. This war has just begun!

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