Sometimes the life of a video game character isn’t all the media portrays it to be. The pay isn’t great, sometimes you don’t get a starring role in anything for years, the catering sucks, and the list goes on.
With this knowledge we Sega Addicts have tried to find some side jobs for some of our favorite Sega characters in the restaurant industry. This will help them pay the bills and stay off the streets until their next big break comes along.
Hit the jump to see our complete list!
10. Tom (Shenmue)
Elliott Riggen: Tom always seemed to have the greatest hot dog cart in all Yokosuka, Japan, but I never ever got to try one of those (probably) famous hot dogs. You only get to witness the iconic pick truck and blasting red boom box, and the dance moves of a true American.
So basically Tom has already branded himself into a franchise, he just needs to act. Tom’s Hot Dog Truck. His marketing is already working, with him dancing in front and the music blasting, but also that he travels from location to location. He’s got it down, but the greatest part is going to talk to Tom to order a hot dog. Let’s listen in……
Tom: Hey, Ryu.
Ryu: Tell me about those men in the black car.
Ryu: Nozomi told me you had words with the guys driving the black car.
Tom: No. No, I don’t remember.
Ryu: They might have been the ones who murdered my father.
Tom: Your father?
Ryu: Please, try to think.
Tom: Right man. I’ll try!
Ryu: Those guys in the black car, what were they like?
Tom: I saw a guy wearing a weird coat.
Ryu: What kind of coat?
Tom: It was a deep green. Maybe velvet…..or silk. Like something Chinese.
Ryu: That’s Lan di….. What happened?
Tom: They almost hit one of my customers, so I gave them a piece of my mind. But that man, he gave me this glare… I ain’t never seen such a cold stare, man.
Ryu: Do you remember anything else?
Tom: Nope. Try asking Chinese people about Chinese.
Ryu: Do you know Chinese?
Tom: Sorry, man. But, see that travel agency over there? They get some Chinese customers. I’ll ask around for you too, man. Come by later.
I guess Tom has one problem, he always forgets to mention that he sells hot dogs.
Sven Wohl: Ulala would be a great mascot for a fastfood chain mostly because her appeal is pretty much universal. Not only is her image family friendly and attractive at the same, she can also dance quite well, which can be used in TV-ads and the like. Space Channel 5 music would be something I’d listen to in any restaurant and the overall style of the game gives you enough material to create your own fastfood chain. Matching uniforms included! Heck, maybe you’ll even get a sponsorship by the Michael Jackson estate…?
8. Big the Cat
Alex Riggen: Big the Cat would be a great mascot for an all-you-can-eat seafood franchise. Potential customers would see that he’s always carrying around a fishing pole and thus would be filled with knowledge that all the seafood they’re eating was caught fresh by a giant cat. Then there’s the impact of Big the Cat’s not-so slender frame which would advertise that no one leaves this buffet hungry. Having Froggy there could help as well as in the advertisements Big could be ripping off Froggy’s legs and frying them up marketing their all-you-can-eat Friday night frog legs.
Tom Kyzivat: Remember the Hardee’s Star? He’d float around and passively talk about burgers? Eff that little punk. He’s a bitch-ass poser. You want a real star pushing your burgers? You want Ristar. A real star. The most badass star you’ve ever seen. Will he just sit behind a burger and not move his mouth while Norm McDonald tells us all about it in his trademark latent sarcasm? Heck no. He will literally grab your head and smash his entire body into your face. If that’s not the masculine marketing that Hardee’s has deperately been trying to get their hands on, then I don’t know what is. And after he beats you to death with a hamburger, he might even fly off into space for intergalactic adventures. You think he cares about burgers? He has bigger things on his mind, like saving the mother-loving universe. And it’s that aloof superiority that will keep you eating burgers until you’re as cool as Ristar. Hardee’s, you’re welcome.
6. Alex Kidd
Mike Kyzivat: Watch out Kid Vid of the Burger King Kid’s club your days are numbered (that is if you still existed) But wouldn’t Alex kidd make a perfect replacement for that little video gamer wanna be?
Or perhaps Alex kidd would work better at another burger chain, SmashBurger where he could use his giant fist (or Shellcore technique) to smash many a burger to the grille.
No? Well how about Sonic’s drive in where he could use his little motorcycle to deliver food to people in their cars? actually he could do it as they drive, they won’t even have to stop at a sonic’s they could just phone in their order and he could show up in the pedicoptor.
To be honest I think Alex Kidd would work with any fast food chain because he is very non specific in his character design. He’s not a talking hamburger or a jive talking chicken, he is just an average kid with side burns in a red and yellow jumpsuit that can drive a motorcycle and smash rocks with his fists, what kid couldn’t relate to that?
Pat Reddick: I think the idea that sex sells is a major part of the game Bayonetta, but I would argue that a wholesome family experience is the major marketing force behind most restaurant chains. Look at McDonalds; they make commercials about families and family experiences that occurred at their restaurant. I don’t know about you, but when I go to McDonalds it’s because I’m drunk and need some fast food, or I’m busy and need some fast food. Family has nothing to do with it and those commercials are annoying. I think sexual intercourse is more appealing to a busy drunk than other people’s hypothetical families are. So Bayonetta would be in charge of advertising a sexy restaurant chain to rival McDonalds which would essentially be McDonalds but sexy. In typical Sega fashion this sexy restaurant would make all these psuedo-family-based fast food joints look pretty foolish by comparison. I mean would you rather eat a McChicken with your family or a Bayonetta All Beef Burger while surrounded by cool guys? The choice seems obvious to me. Bayonetta’s restaurant does what McDonalds mcdoesn’t. Also it wouldn’t have that god awful fish burger. That could easily be worked into sexual advertising, but I’ll let you use your imagination for that one. I assume that would be an attack add on Wendy’s though.
4. The Jet Set Radio Cast
Scott Morrison: Jet Set Radio would be the ideal “park & eat” restaurant combined with a skate park. Beat and his groovy gang of servers would rocket to your car and serve your meals while you listen to the underground sensations of Professor K. Such meals would include the Noise Tank: a gigantic burger with the works, earning its name for the after effects. “Poison Jam,” would be the choice milkshake with a lemon lime flavor. The “Love Shocker,” would be a spicy chicken sandwich with the hottest of hot sauces shipped straight from Shibuya, Tokyo. Kids would of course be given their own “spray paint” crayons to submit their latest graffiti masterpieces to be hung inside the seating areas of Jet Set Radio. The main restaurant would also be within a skate park, which would have graffiti sessions once a month for anyone to decorate the park to their colorful desire.
3. ToeJam & Earl
John Doherty: Toejam and Earl’s Funky Fresh Tomato Shack
At Toejam and Earl’s Funky Fresh Tomato Shack you can enjoy fresh picked vine ripened tomatoes in a totally funky environment. You will be served by only the hippest cats in the galaxy. The house specialties include: Earl’s Fried Tomatoes, Toejam’s Tomato Bruschetta, and the house favorite, a fresh tomato thrown right in your face!
Investors are always welcome as Toejam and Earl are hoping to open up franchises on Earth.
Michael Westgarth: You open the doors to a striking black and blue colour scheme, bars of blue neon tubing racing along the walls, reprints of old Sonic and Sega posters and adverts on the walls. Remember the Café 80s from Back to the Future II? Welcome to the Café 90s. An awesome, multi-tiered indoor playground can be seen in the back that makes you wish you were 3ft tall again, with selection of well maintained, Sega arcade machines from yesteryear close by; with jacked up prices. Tired looking teenagers wearing black and blue Sonic polo shirts and peaked caps, serve a never ending stream of customers from their stationary posts at the counter. Some poor schmuck dressed in a Sonic costume is being terrorised by a group a excited children. And everywhere, and I mean everywhere, is the smirking face of that lovable blue hedgehog we all know and love.
The menu consists of the usual burgers, fries, chicken nuggets, soft drinks, milkshakes and the like. Of course, there’s a fairly satisfying chilli dog for sale too, but people don’t buy the food for the food itself, oh no, for every set meal comes with super-duper Sonic fun-time happy-toy, for children and adults alike! Hooray! Big the Cat stress balls, Sonic with a tennis-ball-hitting racquet-action, Tails wind-up flying toy, Robotnik whoopee cushions, the list goes on.
If Sega was able to strike up a deal with a fast-food company and start a Sonic themed franchise, it’d probably be similar to the one described above and I can imagine myself visiting every once in awhile, just to have a whack at the arcade machines or to use the free toilet. Good hypothetical times.
1. Dr. Robotnik
Scott Morrison: Dr. Robotnik is the perfect spokesperson for any fast food chain. He almost resembles a hamburger with the shape of his body, which would be the perfect outfit for his chain of “Robo-Burgers.” Each entrée would be coated with a tender layer of 10wd-40 and sizzled to perfection. Robo-burgers across the world would be open 24/7 due to the fact that the staff of robots would never need to sleep, or take breaks. What is Dr. Robotnik a doctor of exactly? Delicious meals and hospitality! The only reason Dr. Robotnik has been trying to capture all those friendly forest animals was to give them wonderful-paying jobs in his fast food franchise. As it turns out, Sonic is just a crazy health fiend who disapproves of the good doctor’s greasy franchise.