The recent announcements that non-Sega characters, like Danica Patrick and Wreck-it Ralph, are going to appear in the upcoming Sega All-Stars Racing: Transformed has really got us thinking. Where before our daydreams were limited to characters that Sega owned the license to, now there’s an infinite combination of possibilities for characters we could hope and wish for in the upcoming sequel. With rumors that there’s at least one more non-Sega character to appear in the game, maybe we’ll get lucky and it will be one from our wishlist below.
Hit the jump to read out entire list!
Mike Kyzivat: No more slow moving for old Pyramid Head, now he can ride in style with Douglas’ car from Silent Hill 3. Of course the car would be go-cart size so we can see PH’s signature helmet sticking out of the roof and can you imagine him dragging his great knife along the road to take the turns just right? For his All-Star Move he could throw his giant knife like a boomerang while he molests some poor Mannequin demon. Now that’s a horrifying win.
Master Shake, Frylock and Meatwad
Michael Westgarth: In one of their several secret meetings held within a Masonic Lodge, Cartoon Network executives ponder over the expansion of the popular Adult Swim cartoon, Aqua Something You Know Whatever (formerly known as Aqua Team Hunger Force), while leafing through some information on recent gaming announcements. After reading that Sega are seemingly including unrelated characters in their upcoming kiddies racing game Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed, and considering the negative reception for Aqua Teen Hunger Force Zombie Ninja Pro-Am,they covertly sent a wheelbarrow full of cash to Sega of America along with a sketch of the program’s three main characters on the back of a Freemason napkin.
The three food products will pilot their signature vehicle, the Danger Cart, which is capable of driving over land, driving through the air, and driving over water with no transformation necessary. Be prepared for their All-Star move, driving a bit faster and shooting fire balls at other racers. Wait, what, that move has already been taken?!
R. L. Stine
Stevie Grant: Goosebumps is a series that is close to my heart. A series that provides spooky chills and wicked thrills deserves to be featured in this hotly anticipated racing sequel. But who from the series would deserve a character of his own? Well, the master of horror himself Robert Lawrence Stine, of course!
Stein would be perfect (maybe not perfect but stay with me on this one) for a kart racing game like this because he could use various weapons from his series. He could eat monster blood and grow giant. He could throw haunted masks at other racers, suffocating them. Hell, I’m sure he could even find a way to use Slappy the evil dummy. Don’t forget all the other monsters and tricks that this classic prankster will have his his sleeves. Remember the classic Goosebumps cliffhangers? He could trick the other racers into an impossible to escape situation and then explain it away in the very next track (or chapter). Genius! Easily the best Sega character never created, R. L. Stine would be a perfect racing character with his amazing collection of horror trope attacks. Racer beware, you’re in for a LOSING STREAK!!!
Scott Morrison: Unfortunately, there has not been a successful video game related to the incredibly popular Twilight Saga. What’s the next best idea? In-game cameos of course, and Sega is happy to assist! Everyone knows Robert Pattinson only sets down the bottle of glitter to pick up his Wii Remote for a good round of Mario Kart here and there. But what better way to make teen girls scream than letting them drive virtually before they can in real life, and as their main heart throb!? That’s right, Robert Pattinson, or as his friends call him, “R-Pats,” has agreed to step in as his famous blood-sucking alter ego: Edward Cullen. In his car form, Edward will drive a classy Volvo, steer a gondola while serenading your avatar in his boat form, and simply fly by himself for his aerial form – because that’s just what sparkly sexy vampires do. Cullen’s special attack involves him playing the piano while notes block the screen and Bella stares awkwardly at your until you wreck your vehicle. If you reserve your copy today at Hot Topic or Claire’s, you will receive a free bottle of glitter and a pair of red contact lenses. While supplies last!
Tom Kyzivat: There are a few ways you could approach this. Bender flying in a mini Planet Express ship, Bender rolling along on his own cup feet, turned sideways (which he’s done in at least one episode), Bender flying around in his saucer form, from the episode Roswell That Ends Well, or Bender in his were-car form. That would be a fun route, although it would limit Bender’s recognizability, seeing as how he wouldn’t have his signature look. But maybe as his power-up attack, he could change back to regular Bender and belch fire. Or switch it, so that he changes into a bloodthirsty, giant car and rampages the other racers. And of course you’d have to reference his chest cavity in some way, either by leaving fish bowls on the ground as mines, or having Fry pop out when he wins. In any case, I’d be on the edge of my nerdy seat, glued to the screen, taking my eyes off of it only long enough to light more candles under my shrine to Matt Groening and John DiMaggio.
Josh Newey: It took every ounce of strength in my body to pry myself out of my cushy couch potato seat to come to my computer and write this. That’s because I have been hopelessly, irrevocably addicted to Breaking Bad. Season 4 has finally hit Netflix, and because I don’t have cable, this was a pretty big event for me. While I was watching, sallow-skinned and drooling, over the past week, I noticed not one but TWO major Sega games being played in Jesse’s home-turned-meth-house: Sonic 2006 and…SONIC AND SEGA ALL-STARS RACING. I’ve also been informed that Sonic and Mario at the Olympics shows up at some point too, but I have yet to see that. Now, considering how strategically these new cross-media sponsorship deals have been, this can only mean one thing in my mind: AMC and Sega must have a mutual marketing deal. Therefore, I can only conclude that Jesse Pinkman–meth cook, meth addict, and avid gamer– will be an unlockable character in Sonic and Sega All Stars Racing Transformed. He will be driving the iconic meth-house camper, all the while pumping yellow smoke out of the top. When he gets his All Star Move, the smoke gets so thick that it smothers other racers and blocks their field of vision. Drive in the smoke for too long, and DEA officers will chase you down and arrest you. That or you’ll get hooked and have no choice but to follow Jesse through until the end of the race. (Thanks to Flake for that last idea).
Mike Kyzivat: Move over Super Monkey Ball, we’ve got another fruit flinger entering the fray. Blanka would drive around in a hollowed out half of a giant coconut with little round coconut wheels and a leaf as a sun shade. His All Star Move would be his famous electricity that would shock and knock out anyone it touches.
Jareth the Goblin King
Michael Westgarth: So, a few years ago on one of his many holidays to the UK, current Sega Sammy CEO Hajime Satomi bought a stack of DVDs from a bargain bucket in Woolworths soon after the company went into administration. Fast forward to the present day and Hajime Satomi has just finished watching the last of the DVDs in the pile, Jim Henson’s Labyrinth. So entranced was he by David Bowie’s performance as Jareth the Goblin King that he immediately called Takashi Iizuka, whom he has on speed dial, and demanded that the character be in the next Sonic game. Not wanting to shoehorn an unrelated character into a perfectly good Sonic Team developed Sonic game, the cunning Mr. Iizuka made a few calls, pulled a few strings and made it happen; Jareth the Goblin King will be in the upcoming Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed!
Before his untimely death, master puppeteer Jim Henson actually made several sketches of mounts for Jareth to ride in the event of him ever being featured in a children’s racing game, including a giant unicycle made up of the bones of a witty, joke cracking skeleton Muppet among others. His All-Star move? Magic Dance, ’nuff said.
Alex Riggen: I’m of the belief that Pinhead would fit beautifully into the All-Stars Racing universe. While he’s never seen in a vehicle of any kind in the Hellraiser films, I imagine he at least owns a lawn mower so he can mow his grass when he’s not ripping peoples’ flesh apart. So, he’d ride this little bright green lawn mower around the tracks and as an All-Star Move he’d drop the Lament Configuration puzzle box. When a competitor runs over the box, giant hooks instantly appear from all angles and tear the character apart into a fun and colorful bloody mess.
Scott Morrison: Who would you rather have as a cab driver through the streets of New York: Danica Patrick, Sonic the Hedgehog, or Bruce Willis? Unless you are afraid of real men, you said “Bruce Willis,” because only a fool would trust the wheel to anyone else. Bruce Willis will make an excellent addition to the line-up of Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed for too reasons: explosions and more explosions. Bruno will be seen driving his trusty New York City taxicab, steering his faithful patrol boat from the movie, Striking Distance, and then finally flying the ship Freedom from the ever-popular movie Armageddon. You may ask just how these three different vehicles would transform from one to another. Simple: explosions. Once the smoke clears, Bruno will be driving the necessary vehicle. And one can only tremble in fear when expecting Bruno’s special attack. No matter the type of vehicle, for his special attack Bruno will drive a car into a helicopter causing both to explode and send fiery debris onto his opponents, causing them to swerve out of control due to jumbled button layouts while Bruno’s hit single, “Respect Yourself” plays from his chart-topping album, “The Return of Bruno.” Yippy Ki-yay!
Tom Kyzivat: This one practically writes itself. He’s a damn truck to begin with, so that’s a no-brainer, and then when he gets his power-up he changes into the John Wayne of robots and blasts the holy crapples out of everything on screen. This would only truly work if famous voice actor Peter Cullen was onboard, because the last thing we need in a game that already has Danica Patrick for no reason is a fake Optimus Prime.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s Head in a Box
Josh Newey: As long as we’re going with movie characters, I figured one of the most important and game-changing characters in movie history has to be at least considered for Transformed. There is no other character, role, or persona in America’s cinematic history that can even approach the emotional resonance and metaphorical impact of Gwyneth Paltrow’s severed head in a small cardboard box from David Fincher’s smash hit Se7en. Throw some wheels on that sucker, and you’ve got one hell of a formidable foe on the racetrack. Since she’s basically composed of nothing but a lob-sided square with flaps, Gwyneth’s head would be the smallest character on the track, and thus could nimbly dodge and weave at an incredible speed. Just don’t fall off the edge, as her noggin will come tumbling out of the ill-fated package, and the entire final scene of Se7en will play out in real time, followed by an even more tense scene where Morgan Freeman carries the box back to the track, reattaches the wheels, and announces: “John Doe has the upper hand.” Gwyneth Paltrow’s Head’s All-Star move will be to unleash a random deadly sin upon an opponent. Imagine–Sonic’s stomach expanding until it explodes with spaghetti, or Shinobi being forced to dig out a pound of his own flesh and throw it aside on the track. In the end Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in a box could simultaneously be the most horrifying and hilarious character to ever grace the gaming world.
Mike Kyzivat: If Cole can be in Street Fighter X Tekken then there is no reason Alex can’t be in Sega All Stars Racing. It would be so cool to see him running along side Sonic the Hedgehog or Ryo, just before he consumes them and not only takes their identity but their spot in the race as well.
Michael Westgarth: Speaking of Takashi Iizuka, it is a well known fact that The Big Lebowski is one of his favourite films and acted as a source of inspiration for many of the games he has worked on as a Sega employee. As such, Takashi Iizuka has been desperately trying to work his favourite character from the film, Walter Sobchak, into a Sonic game and views Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed as the perfect entry point. A few shady deals later and John Goodman gets on an aeroplane destined for Robin Hood Airport Doncaster Sheffield, where a Sumo Digital employee will be greeting him, assuming someone at Sega told Sumo Digital that he’s coming.
No details of Walter’s vehicles have been released as of yet, however inside information suggests that his All-Star move will involve a Vietnam flashback-induced rage, giant bowling balls, and Judaism. In addition to this, Takashi Iizuka supposedly agreed to John Goodman’s term of renaming the game to Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed Feat. John Goodman as Walter Sobchak: A World of Pain, although Sega has yet to make an official comment regarding the matter.
Danny Elfman and Tim Burton
Tom Kyzivat: Okay, this one is just blatent fan service. And it’s fan service pretty much just for me. This would never happen, but seriously, how cool would it be to have film’s two most notorious creepazoids (Danny Elfman being Tim Burton’s chief composer as well as the frontman to the 80s band Oingo Boingo, for those of you who don’t know) in the coolest vehicle to grace the silver screen? Hell, this idea is such a dork fetish tailored for me I might as well just put myself in the sleigh with them. Or maybe sitting on one of their laps. Yeah, might as well. Everybody reading this is already creeped out anyway. And for the power-up, the US military could fire giant shells into the air to shoot the sleigh down (which you’ll remember from the movie), only to have the bombs land around it, blasting all the competition. And by the end of the race, me, Danny and Tim would become best friends! And we’d all eat pancakes together to celebrate. You’ll see.
Kris Knigge in a Snuggie
Josh Newey: Because the thought of it fills me with joy. His All-Star Move? Chasing down Ryo Hazuki specifically to ask him why he isn’t Kazuma Kiryu.