Sometimes there are characters in videogames who look nice. Sometimes there are characters who look mean. And sometimes there are characters that you would rather forget because they make it hard to sleep at night and every time you close your eyes or eat an ice cream cone they’re creepy dead eyes stare back at you into the depths of your soul.
Hit the jump to read our list of characters that have caused us to get many years of therapy.
Mondo (Slaughter Sport)
Mike Kyzivat: Mondo is the last boss of the game Slaughter Sport on the Genesis AKA Tongue of the Fat Man or Mondo’s Fight Palace or a half dozen other names this game has. This fighting game was all pre-Street Fighter 2, so yeah, don’t expect much. Mondo is, of course, the proprietor of the world famous Mondo’s Fight Palace where strange creatures and humans battle to the death for prize money. Turbo charged robot chickens, women with snake like hair, farting gargoyles, all the fighters in this game are weird and no one is more weird then Mondo. Imagine the fattest person you’ve ever seen riding a scooter at Wal-mart. Okay, now take all his clothes away except for a diaper and give him a sumo pony tail. Now, for the grand finale give him a second face on his stomach. That’s right, eyes right under his man boobs and a big gaping mouth with a long tongue across his belly button. Now, go ahead and tell me that’s not scary. His attacks are pretty messed up as well. He can attack you with the long tongue in his belly mouth, he can roll up into what looks like a flesh volley ball and roll at you, and finally, he can sit on you repeatedly. Plus, his win stance is he stands in a muscle man pose while his belly face smiles like a flesh colored frog. Clearly the stuff of nightmares.
Big the Cat
Michael Westgarth: Whenever I look at this guy, I can never figure out if he’s a friendly giant or a ticking time bomb who could at any moment turn into a psychopathic killing machine. Just look at those arms, he could tear you apart any time he wanted, hell, he’s so powerful that he can smash robots with a fishing rod. Fortunately for us he’s one of the good guys, right?
When he’s not looking for Froggy, his pet/ love interest, he likes to hang around with the ‘little girls’ of the Sonic series, Amy and Cream. It’s probably a harmless, friendly relationship. Perhaps they’re the only ones that’ll let him hang about or maybe Big thinks Cream is actually made of cream and Cheese is actually made of cheese. But one look into those wide, vacant eyes and you’ll see the truth; Big the Cat is Pedobear’s feline cousin.
Remember Sonic Heroes? Remember Rail Canyon? You know, the level where you watch Big fondle Amy and Cream while grinding down a ridiculously long rail on his bare, purple crotch?
Rouge the Bat
Flake: Okay, let’s all of us be honest for just a second. Whether it’s a good thing or not, sex sells in video games. There are reasons (two of them *rimshot*) characters like Ivy, Lara Croft, Chun Li, and Bayonetta are so popular. Then you have Rouge the Bat. On the one hand, she is designed to perfectly conform to the ‘sexy game chick’ paradigm. Female, large rack, and strong personality. On the other hand…she’s a freaking bat.
Maybe it isn’t Rouge’s fault. Maybe there were perfectly good reasons for the design choices made when she was dreamed up. Maybe Sega just really wanted to mess with their audience. Maybe someone actually thought she was a good addition to the ever expanding cast of unnecessary Sonic characters. All the same, it’s a character design that makes a lot of gamers have to think more than they would prefer to when she pops up in a game.
On a side note, as creepy as Rouge the Bat is, she doesn’t hold a candle to her fanbase.
The Kids in Shenmue
Josh Newey: The kids from Shenmue – I have a confession to make: I really, really don’t like children. Maybe it’s their grating voices, the constant bids for attention, or their grubby, greasy hands grabbing at all of my stuff. Whatever it is, their very presence in my life is a mistake I wish I could correct. It’s a wonder then that I love Shenmue as much as I do. If that game is to be believed, Japan is crawling with boisterous, snot-nosed kids, all of them clamoring to play, wrestle, race, or just yell at you in their high-pitched whinnies. Shenmue’s children certainly do a damn fine job of emulating their real-world counterparts, but there’s something about these kids that feels especially disconcerting.
After sifting through the world of Shenmue, it’s easy to pretend the game is an Orwellian forecast of a dystopian future where the over-diagnosis of ADD has led to entire city of waxy, bleary-eyed children droning on with the same three uncomfortably personal requests over and over again. It’s like watching The Children of the Damned, trading out red glowing eyes and frozen expressions for vacant gazes, catatonic smiles and stranger-danger-esque questions so inappropriate they would make Chris Hanson blush. I understand that Yu Suzuki was forging a believable neighborhood filled with community members so personable and tightly-knit that they all know each others’ names, but the way these kids seem so vapid and dead on the inside would lead you to wonder just how many times their requests for play have led them down very dark, very secluded alleyways. Add that to countless memories of terrifying children from The Shining, The Omen, The Ring, and other “The” films, and you’ll understand why I find myself running past them whenever I enter Ryo’s neighborhood.
Get these freakin’ kids away from me.
The Mad Doctor (Toejam & Earl)
Alex Riggen: As a child in the 90’s, I wasn’t that big a fan of shots. They were small and pointy and the needle would go in your skin and secrete liquid into your veins all for the greater good of making you less likely to get sick. I didn’t care much about that greater good and I wouldn’t be surprised if all of my fear came from my time with Toejam & Earl. Sure, most of the game was bright and cheerful with funny enemies based on Earth stereotypes. But there was this one guy who would leap around like an insane ballet dancer chasing after you just so he could get close enough to prick you with his long needle and then laugh hysterically as you curled up into a ball on the floor. He was the Mad Doctor and he still creeps me out.