Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Watched: House of the Dead

I don’t know about you guys but I’m starting to get sick of this. After one week of not playing a retro game I’ve decided to stop not playing games entirely. That’s right I am now a movie critic. So to celebrate this change of career I have also decided to not watch a movie and instead murder small animals all day. Basically it’s the same old shit this week but with a movie based on a game instead of the usual game.

So hit the jump to read my amazing review of a movie based on a game I haven’t watched or played or some shit does it really matter? No it doesn’t. Sop reading now, you dick (I mean continue reading, it’s amazing).

Being a high brow movie critic I have no time to concern myself with such low brow zombie schlock. Instead I just watched Citizen Kane 500 times while not actually paying attention because it’s in black and white and shit. However because House of the Dead is based on a Sega game I feel that my journalisms skills are needed to help you decide if you should watch this 5 year old movie. Of course you do, because you can’t do anything without me giving it a score.

So what do I think of it? Well stop looking at these screenshots and read the review, you idiot!

Anyways this movie is terrible because it has zombies in it. You may think that this is a stupid and snobbish thing to say but I am right because I think I have a higher IQ than you. However I am going to change by opinion instantly because I just found out it had a German director. Of course this means House of the Dead is an art film! Genius! All foreign movies are better and more arty. I wouldn’t recommend it for you though because I doubt you could understand the subtle art of houses and dead that the director probably wishes to convey. It’s a metaphor or some shit possibly.

Art.

Because House of the Dead is a German movie it probably has heavy undertones of expressionist art and nazis. This is good because I love it when things don’t make sense and instead rely on being deep. Not that you would understand. I’m still curious to see how the movie works since it is still a horror movie. Everyone knows (at least I do) that horror movies can’t be art and that only things that I like are art. Wait a minute though, videogames aren’t art. And this is supposedly based on one..

In that case House of the Dead isn’t art at all. everyone knows videogames aren’t art. Also it’s based on a Sega game. Didn’t they do fun games about blue animals or whatever? Not art. I bet the German director isn’t even a proper director and instead a German porn guy who does films about people having sex. Porn is so basic. I’m so glad I have never looked at it because I am a perfect individual. (Did I mention I can only get off by watching Japanese girls stamp on rabbits until they die? If you know where to find these videos, contact me ASAP.)

Only when this is dead can I pop a boner.

I am disappointed by this. What could have been a great art film has been trampled by the games industry. Shame on you, gamers. Everyone knows all movie experiences are superior to anything a game could offer. That’s why Big Mommas House 2 is amazing when compared to Portal. Either way now that you know my brilliant opinion you can rejoice and not watch it. If you have watched it however kill yourself. You should have waited for my opinion first.

Now, that's true art!

Wait, actually the poster says it combines The Matrix and Dawn of the Dead.. that sounds amazing! A+!

  • Why would you review a movie you haven’t seen? That’s stupid.

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