Retro Reviews of Games I Haven’t Played: Shining Force

That’s it. I’m tired of giving Sega publicity. I take all my time and effort to flame them and tell them how stupid and fucking awful at games they are, and what do I get? No response. What a crock. A crock of shit to be precise. So I have decided I am not going to review any Sega game ever again ever.

Wait. If I do that then I’ll lose my platform to bitch and moan about shit on this website. Fuck. Well instead I’m going to subvert your expectations and do something no other person on the internet has ever done ever! I am going to be angry at an old school videogame! What a cowa-piece-of dogshit!

That’s right! I’m going to take you back to the past, and before a time when I was born probably. And what a better game to start not playing, as Shining Force? Well there are better games to start off with but fuck it I already made the header image and I can’t be bothered to open up MS Paint again so you’re stuck with reading about this. So without further talking about shit, let’s get onto Shining Force.

Game sucks already.

Well we all know how this review is going to go. It’s a retro game for fucks sake. If you don’t know what a retro game is then I’ll explain that to you. Retro games are what happened before Call of Duty made warfare modern and games serious (which means brown). You can basically miss out on every game made before 2008. However if you must play a game that is more than half your age then for fucks sake don’t make it a retro RPG which is what Shining Force is. I know this because I looked it up on it’s wikipedia page. Who makes those anyways? Fucking losers with no life (IF YOU’RE READING THIS WIKIPEDIA, MAKE ME A WELL GOOD PAGE AND SHIT PLEASE THANKS BYE).

I don't want to beg but MAKE ME A PAGE GUYS COME ON!

As we all know RPG’s are all shit and I won’t ever try them about because I know I won’t like it. People say that this makes me seem like a stupid child but I think it makes me a sensible grown adult. Which I am. Even with a new RPG you have sexy anime babes, but with a retro game all I can do is stare at the pixels. I can’t get turned on by pixels. And things I don’t personally get turned on by are bad and scary.

UGLY. AS. SHIT.

Another thing about retro games in general is that they’re all hard. Now you all know my opinion on hard games (they suck unless I can’t do them). But retro games are even worse. Back in the old day’s, arcade games were made to take nerds lunch money. This makes me madebecause A) I’m poor and jealous, and B) It should be me taking their fucking money. Did you like the way I said ‘fucking’ just then? Unnecessary swearing makes me cool.

Taking a break from this review to remind you to RATE, COMMENT SUBSCRIBE! IT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

Talking about unnecessary swearing, I forgot that this was a retro review! That means I have to swear a lot about old game design because that is original. What a cowa-piece-of-dogshit! I’m so irate right now! What a piece of arse cheese monkey dick fuck cunt clit shit. Is that enough stupid shit that isn’t funny because someone already did it and was actually good and funny but I’m shit because I’m just a fucking rip off? I forgot what I was talking about, Shining Force sucks.

In conclusion I actually haven’t said anything about the game. But who cares it’s fucking old and no one can play old games anyways. I somehow wish you could though. Like I wish there was a way you could, emulate them. But that won’t ever happen so fuck it, game sucks. Shining force gets an F for being a retro RPG.

  • Duffman

    Wow, I don’t know what I’m disgusted with more, your sloppy journalist prose or your atrocious grammar. Yeah, swearing, gratuitous use of capital letters and exclamation marks were considered cool about ten years ago, but that was, of course, before you were born. On top of that, we have a ludicrous anti-retro attitude coming from a website that is all about Sega. Or perhaps I’m missing the punch line; I am a newcomer to this website. This whole article stinks of a child craving attention, which is a shame, as this seems to be a great website to be tarnished with such childish tripe. Come back and try again in ten years time when you have grown up a bit. But I digress. Nice use of MS Paint. Stevie Grant gets an ‘F’ and must try harder.

  • Pat Reddick

    @Duffman
    [img]http://cheezcomixed.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/128977102875053389.jpg[/img]

    @Stevie
    I like this, I think I should base a Not-So Classic Games article off of the knowledge you bring to the table.

  • 934Texas

    im going to have to agree with duffman here. i realized by the end of the first paragraph that the article was satire but sadly thats where it stopped being funny as well.

  • Stevie Grant

    @Duffman: I don’t think you got the joke.

  • D-structman

    @Duffman

    Wow, I don’t know what I’m disgusted with more, the fact that you decided to leave a flame comment, or that your argument is invalid. Yeah, trolling people you don’t know on the internet is considered cool today, but when were capital letters and exclamation marks considered “cool”. Unless you are from some sort of grammar Nazi training camp, I call shenanigans on your argument. On top of that, you don’t seem to understand very clear satire. Or perhaps I’m missing the punch line; I am not a troll. This whole comment stinks of a child craving attention, which is a shame, as this seems to be a great article to be tarnished with such childish tripe. Come back and try again in ten years time when you have grown up a bit. But I digress. Nice use of gratuitous commas. Duffman gets an ‘F’ and needs to get a life.

  • Megatheist

    What this duffman fails to realize is that Stevie Grant is not only English but is the god of all platformers. His word’s are not only constantly correct but they are also infallible. Your tacetine disregard for your own woeful future once the “Proper One” (That’s his deity nickname) has decided the degree and implementation of your smiting is a most dreadful oversite. The true showing of irresponsibility is of your own fate.

  • Wimby

    I’m with 934Texas on this one. The first couple “Reviews of Games I Haven’t Played” were funny and entertaining to read. Doing this every week though isn’t really working and it was a better joke to do one or two times. It’s basically reading the same feature every week and interchanging the name of the game. I haven’t really laughed since the first one and I really think it would be more fun to see Stevie do something new and not so overly negative. I can tell he can be a funny writer but spending all his time on this feature seems like waste. I say stop with the fake reviews and start something new.

  • Duffman

    Satire? So the article is written from the perspective of a foul mouthed ten year old who is ignorant to anything that he doesn’t understand or hasn’t experienced? If that is the case, then the article’s aim and prose is spot on.

    @Stevie Grant
    Depends what the joke was. But seriously, I applaud you for calmly responding when others have waded in with their own “inflamatory” replies. I have since read some of your other articles and they appear to be well written, researched pieces of work. I may have chosen the wrong article to read first.

    @D-structman
    “decided to leave a flame comment, or that your argument is invalid.”
    That was not a flame comment, rather a harsh but fair observation on the article, whether it be satire or not. If you took it a flame comment then you are way too sensitive.

    “Yeah, trolling people you don’t know on the internet is considered cool today,”
    Since when is leaving one valid comment on one article considered “trolling people”?

    “Unless you are from some sort of grammar Nazi training camp, I call shenanigans on your argument.”
    Sorry to have standards when journalistic prose is concerned. This is an article and should be treated as such by the writer, unless it was all part of the intended satire.

    “On top of that, you don’t seem to understand very clear satire.”
    Oh, I understand satire. Successful satire should be a subtle lampooning of the subject matter, which comes from knowledge, research and good writing.

    “This whole comment stinks of a child craving attention, which is a shame, as this seems to be a great article to be tarnished with such childish tripe.”
    Just speaking the truth, so if you can’t accept that then that is a shame. You wrote “seems to be a great article”, so you’ve not decided yourself?

    “Nice use of gratuitous commas.”
    Since when does using commas when they are needed considered as gratuitous?

    “Duffman gets an ‘F’ and needs to get a life.”
    I do have a life. That’s why I haven’t been here since Friday 🙂

    @Megatheist
    Erm, right.

  • Stevie Grant

    @Duffman: “Satire? So the article is written from the perspective of a foul mouthed ten year old who is ignorant to anything that he doesn’t understand or hasn’t experienced? If that is the case, then the article’s aim and prose is spot on.”

    Yeah. Maybe I was too good at conveying that.

    @Wimby: Yeah I see where you’re at. I’m definetly trying to mix things up and have more ideas in the future.

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