Festive Reviews of Christmas Games I Haven’t Played: Christmas NiGHTS

Fuck Christmas. Christmas is stupid and I can’t have fun. Everyone knows it was made for kids, so that they wouldn’t tell the police on what happened that crisp Decembers eve. Therefore I am not reviewing Christmas NiGHTS because it is Christmas, I am reviewing it because it was on my schedule of shit to write about and the holiday being near has absolutely nothing to fucking do with any decisions I make.

So just remember, before you read this review, it is in no way a Holiday special in any fucking way. The word ‘festive’ is the title just to get more hits I can assure you. So go read on to read my review of the totally coincidental, seasonal review of some game released years ago that I just found out about on Wikipedia.

For those of you who don’t know (including me) Christmas NiGHTS is a piece of free downloadable content that was made for the Nintendo 64 or something else Sega did. First of all, the game was free which is stupid. Only indie games are free and all indie games suck because they don’t have sequels yet. They are also all made in flash which sucks. Anyways the DLC was made for another game which I assume is the same but with less red and more gay pink or whatever retro games looked like those years ago.

If this is how the original game looks, I can only imagine how bright and colourful the Christmas version would be. Ugh.

Either way they probably made no money off this game which makes me happy because the sooner Sega get out of making consoles, the better. I swear every year for Christmas I get a Sega console that my family picked up from the second hand shop. I’m really getting sick of that. But yeah, the game sucks amazing amounts of Santa cock because whatever I just said. To be honest I just write the last part of my paragraphs and then do the first half, hoping they add up. I find it faster then whatever you dick-vaginas do.

Yeah I was right. It looks totally colourful and... fun.

The gameplay is probably based around Christmas activity’s such as wrapping presents and sucking off your uncle at midnight when he drunkenly stumbles into your room. I don’t think the latter would be very fun unless you could agree to it, unlike what I do which is struggle and then ultimately, accept it. By this point you may think I hate the game, which is right because I think Christmas is fucking disgusting.

Christmas is a terrible holiday because it has snow and presents and joy. I hate joy in every way because it makes me cool and edgy. I’m so fucking hip though that when I do celebrate it, I can only do it ironically. This basically means celebrating it like usually but crying and masturbating after. Have I done that joke in a previous article, yet? If I haven’t I’ll make sure to include it 4 times in the next one.

What a smug little bastard.

The soundtrack is also probably awful. As we all know I am a well regarded music critic so I can say stuff like this. The soundtrack is probably awful because I might have heard of some of the people who worked on the soundtrack. Actually, it’s a videogame so I probably won’t know who did the soundtrack. That means it’s a great soundtrack which is probably the only good thing about the whole nasty experience.

Actually, the soundtrack did have a lack of emo douches... fuck it then.

Christmas is just so lame. Why can’t we just have Halloween again? At least I could take some shit of kids and laugh, but at Christmas that just makes me feel sad. Maybe I just need to do it more, like the cry-wank. One more point actually, the title fucking sucks. ‘NiGHTS‘? Why are all of those capitals and the rest not? Also adding ‘Christmas’ onto it is just a cheap way to make it seem festive. I’d never just insert random words or change up shit to make the same bile seem new. Never.

I haven't got a caption for this. I just wanted to use it.

So Christmas NiGHTS sucks because Christmas sucks. I think I got that covered. You know maybe it’s all that family cruelty and uncle fucking that made me hate Christmas. Maybe I can try to look at it in a new light! Maybe I can turn over a new link and actually spend time with my friends this year instead of complaining about a holiday everyone likes, and I’m not sure why I don’t. Maybe I could do that!

But fuck it, complaining is easier than being legitimately happy. Christmas NiGHTS gets an F.

Merry fucking Christmas everyone. Now send me some fucking money or get out.